Well, I heard from the school - I have forms to fill in, I need to contact them to sort out doing a police check - and I start work on Monday 19th.  I then immediately need the Wednesday off as I have another interview for PGCE - here's hoping it goes better than the last one.  At least this time I can say I'm gaining experience in a secondary school.

So from 19th onwards I'll be working three days a week, two evenings a week plus four hours tutoring.  More or less full time working!  One thing I'm pleased about is that since I start next week I'll have a chance to attend one last art class this week, and explain that I'm having to work instead.  I'll really miss that time just for me - I'll have to try to schedule some art time into my weekly schedule, but it's tough.  I work better when I have external pressure - leave me on my own and I'll sit around doing nothing constructive at all.  I'm looking forward to getting into a new routine.  Give me little to do and I do nothing - give me lots to do and I achieve a whole lot more.

I caved in and ordered Season 1-4 DVD set of House from Amazon.  While waiting for it to be delivered, I found that the library had 1-3, so I got season one out Friday night and have watched all the way through - helped by waking up yesterday feeling ill, so I did nothing but sit on the sofa watching House episodes all day.  Now I've watched all of season 1 and am onto repeats.  I hope my set arrives tomorrow so I can start on season 2.

I think I'm gradually learning from characters like House and McKay (from Stargate Atlantis) that even people who aren't very good socially can have good friends, and that it doesn't matter if you screw up sometimes.  I think learning to accept that I don't have to be perfect, that I can still be accepted anyway, is an important step.  I don't have to watch carefully all the time, to make sure I don't make any mistakes.  Everyone makes mistakes.  It's how you deal with them that counts.

It would just be nice to have more people around me in real life.  I haven't even really had much internet contact lately - I don't read BCUK any more, haven't been around on here a whole lot, and have hardly played WoW since I left the guild.  The guild leader never did get back to me, BTW. I'm not bothered any more - he's shown me what he's like as a leader.

I still like the game, and I'll still play it, but in a much more casual way, rather than the intensity of the summer.  And it's too cold to settle for too long in the study at the moment.  At least days are getting longer and it appears the really cold spell is over, at least for a while.

Busy studying maths - I'm going to have to work hard to schedule it in.  I want to do the summer school as well, that goes with the course I'm doing.  At least I should have the money to pay for it!

I know it's cold in our house: the spread from the fridge butter is kept in a kitchen cupboard, and I still had to zap it in the microwave before I could make the kids' sandwiches. 

I wish I had more shirts to wear - I either have scruffy teeshirts or decent work stuff that's short sleeved and short bodied.  I can only infer from the lack of decent, warm clothes in the shops that everyone else in this country lives and/or works in nice warm buildings; all jumpers have these stupid v necks, and I hate that in the winter.  I can only just tolerate it in the summer.  And they're so thin!

I'm having my hair cut tomorrow.  It's finally driving me to distraction so much that the thought of staring at myself in a mirror for half an hour is better than the thought of going on with it like this.  Why do all hairdressers have so many mirrors?  Surely I'm not the only one who would prefer to look at something more interesting?

Still nothing more from the school.  It's a good job I never assume anything until it actually happens.  I'm glad DH was here when I took the call offering me the job.  If I don't hear anything else by next Monday I'll give them a call.  He did say it would take a couple of weeks to sort things out, but he also said someone would try to call me on the last day of term to sort out details ready to start.

I've discovered House M.D.  Brilliant series, wonderful character.  Hallmark showed all the season 4 episodes over the weekend, which got me hooked, and are now showing the whole series from the beginning.  A balance is needed now - I can order the DVDs off Amazon, or I can buy it one episode at a time from itunes.  One method gives me DVDs I can keep and watch anywhere I like; the other gives me computer files which take up no physical space in the house.  One method gives me access to all at a reasonable price, but at the cost of waiting a few days (and Amazon is being absolutely useless at the moment); the other costs a lot more, can only be watched on the computer or ipod but is almost instant.

Talking of Amazon, anyone else having problems?  We tried to order 4 books at the beginning of December.  One book was unobtainable from them at all, the rest all seemed to be only from Amazon's marketplace sellers.  Of those, one arrived a few days later, as we expected; one arrived about two days before Christmas, along with the rest of the order, and the last one was reported as now being dispatched sometime around the end of January.

We ordered other books that were reported dispatched Friday night by Royal Mail and still haven't arrived, but I guess that's down to the post office.  Still, extremely irritating, and we won't be using amazon at all for Christmas purchases next year.

No art class this week - I'm hoping I'll at least make next week's to let them know I'm having to withdraw (if all goes well with the job, of course).  The following week I have another interview for the PGCE.  At the moment I'm spending my time studying my maths course, for which the materials arrived at the beginning of last week.  Now DHL managed to deliver it pretty fast!

There's nothing so frustrating as knowing exactly what you want and not being able to find it.  This time last year I was searching the area for a jumper that was exactly what I wanted.  I ended up with a zip-up jacket, where the zip bulges out when I sit down, as I knew it would, but at least visually it was reasonably close to what I wanted.

This year I want books, and I want a computer/console game.  I know exactly what I want, but I don't know how to find it.  Maybe the collective brains on here have some suggestions:

I want to read a book where the main character is learning to cope with discovering special abilities, while living in the real world.  Does anyone remember the Tomorow People?  That sort of thing.  Heroes is too much, but that's the sort of thing too. 

I'm also interested in books where selective mutism is involved.  Don't know why, but it fascinates me - maybe because I feel pretty unlike communicating myself at times.

As to the computer/console game, I want a game where there's a distinct storyline to explore, things to discover, and it relies on brain work more than fancy fighting abilities.  Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis was a good example of this.  Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine was on the right track but involved much more fancy fighting and moves, rather than purely brainwork.  The Star Trek game I had once was pretty good except that I got stuck on one part and then by the time I found a strategy guide the game itself was lost and then no longer ran (this was in the days before easy access to the Net, believe it or not!).  I've a feeling the Tomb raider games are similar, in that they involve fancy moves, and I really don't fancy staring at a nubile female who will make me feel inadequate - give me a male avatar any day.

So does anyone have any suggestions? 

As to the title - it brings to me to the thought that maybe I'm going to end up writing these things myself, as I have such a clear idea of what I want.  It's also the title of a book DH got for Christmas, and I've decided I'm in a phase of using obscure titles for my entries.

I came in here to write a journal entry.  I know - haven't written anything for a week, then two entries in less than an hour.  But before I got to writing, I answered comments on my previous entry, and now can I remember what I was going to write about?  Can I 'eck as like!

Life can be like that at times.  A thought goes through my head, and before I can capture it, before I can register more than the fact that it exists, it goes again, and I'm left feeling lost.  When I'm falling asleep, I love that feeling - it's like I'm walking along a cliff path of thoughts, then suddenly my mind will slip over the edge, and most of the time that's me asleep, but just sometimes I find myself clinging with my fingertips, and I pull myself back onto the path, but in a different place than before, and I can't find my way back to where I was.

But when I'm awake and active, it's just a darn nuisance.  I'll keep a notebook next to me for a while, I think, in case it comes back, because of course it was a really good, interesting journal entry, and a general, public one too (if you can only read the general, public entries, then feel free to comment, saying where you know me from, and I can add you to the friends list if I know/recognise you or feel obliging).

It's no good.  It's gone, at least for now.  I may be back in the morning - maybe it will wander back into my mind, whistling nonchalantly and pretending it had permission to go out.

Why polar bear poo btw?  Well, one of the books I'm currently reading is As You Do, by Richard Hammond, and the bit I'm reading at the moment is where he is on his polar expedition, and I've just read where he had polar bear poo thrown at him by the film crew.  I guess the image must have stayed in my mind - unlike this darned journal entry.

I hate it when I forget things, and I'm sure I came across it via LJ, so I'm asking here in the hope that someone can aid my failing memory:

There's a term for the thing that people are after, in a book or film, that's on the tip of my tongue.  I'm sure the term was also used in the Jasper Fforde books.  It might be a set of jewels, or a spy device, or some great treasure; what it is doesn't really matter, it's just the motivation for everyone to be chasing it, and that's what drives the plot. 

I know when I came across it I checked up in wikipedia, but sadly it doesn't do reverse definitions ;-)

If anyone can provide this term for me I'd be grateful - I'm back writing, you see; as much as I try, I can't give it up completely, and every so often I try to find the way back to my writing.  Maybe this time I'll get somewhere - the books I'm reading all talk about just writing, and writing, and turning off the internal censor by writing even more, and not worrying about the quality because that will come naturally as you produce the quantity.  And because I've read it so many times, I'm starting to believe that maybe it's true, and I just need to write and enjoy the process, just as I do with my art, and worry about the end product way less.

As a parent, there is one school-related phrase that is guaranteed to send a shiver up my spine:  all it takes is for my young son to come bouncing home on the last day of term, or just before a week's half-term holiday, and announce "I've got a project to do."

Why do teachers do this?  Very few children are organised enough to put together a project, unless their parents provide a lot of input.  And when my children are at home, the last thing I want to do is spend my time chivvying them to do schoolwork, or run round to help them find reference materials.  I hated projects when I was at school, because they were all too vague and fluffy and not clear cut tasks, and I hate them now.  I'm sorry, but my son didn't do his project, and I didn't nag him into doing it.  Teachers - you teach your subject, and I'll take care of my kids in the holidays.  But don't expect me to do your work for you.

As a prospective teacher,  my time spent in a classroom observing recently has reminded me of the other phrase that used to terrify me: "work in a group" (variation "find a partner").  I understand that some things are better done in pairs or groups, but what of those children who don't mix easily, those who are always left on the outskirts looking awkward and having to be manually inserted into a group that doesn't want them?  My most painful experience is counting heads, figuring out a group that was one short, adding myself to that group, only to have them rejecting me and looking for the other person they knew would always be left out.

Even for those who do have close friends, all it takes is their regular partner to be absent, and they too are left on their own.  As a teacher of adults, I find myself unable to ever use this dreaded phrase - if I need people to work in groups, I'll sort the groups out myself, either pairing around the room (we sit in a circle, which makes it easier) or numbering and dividing groups to shuffle them up a bit.

It always seems a shame to me that this wonderful thing, education, is spoilt by either trying to force it where it shouldn't be, or by becoming the unwitting tool of humiliation.

Mackie is now safely home, a little sore and sorry for herself but gradually looking happier and starting to eat a little. We've evicted the dog from his cage, which he only used when we were out for a long time these days anyway, and have set her up in her own little cattery unit, with a comfy bed, litter tray and food and water.

She's had her thyroid removed and her leg pinned, and at the moment it looks horrible as she's otherwise a longhaired cat, but hopefully it will grow back soon and she'll start filling out a little bit as she eats more.

At first she only lay there sleeping, but she's been moving around a bit and eating a little, and I've had a purr or two out of her.

We've also got pills to give her twice a day, plus painkillers to put in her food.

And the relative who's looking after her while we're away is an ex-veterinary nurse and so better able to care for her than I am, which is a relief!

Thanks to all who sent good wishes and a special thank you to Laura for her good advice.

Forty three minutes and 36 seconds, that's just under the target time of 45 minutes I set myself for the Race for Life 5K.  Not as good as I did last year, when I ran the whole distance; I did take a couple of walking breaks, but considering the amount of training I haven't done lately I'm perfectly satisfied.

Once again, I spent the last few days wishing I wasn't doing the race and vowing never again, but by the end of it I was seriously considering entering again next year.  Perhaps next time I won't book my place quite so early, so it haunts me for six months!

I need to keep exercising, though, because it's going to get harder and harder to get fit as I get older, and easier to lose condition, and I need to invest the time now to make my life easier in years to come.

Meanwhile, maybe I'd better go take a shower and find some lunch :-)

I miss the feeling of battling against the limits of my capability.  I miss the intense concentration that comes from struggling to make something work.  I miss the exhilarating feeling of learning something new all the time.

But I don't know how to get it back.

Years ago, when I started OU studies, I was studying maths and computing.  I would be trying to make an equation pan out, or make a computer program work - I still remember the sense of achievement I had when I managed to create a working simulation of traffic lights, or a microwave, or a lift.  Simple, but nevertheless all my own work, and figured out against the computer.

Nowadays, with humanities and sociology,  it's a different type of learning.  Enjoyable, maybe, but not the frontier work that the maths and computing felt like.  And I find it harder and harder to devote time to it.

So what do I do?  Try to find a course in maths and computing that's within my capability but I haven't done yet?  Trust that with something like that I'd end up making the time?  Try to find something within my own time and resources, so that I'm not throwing money at it in the hope that it will feel this perceived hole?  Start doing puzzle magazines compulsively?

Ideally, what I need is a job that makes me constantly push at those boundaries.  Teaching computing did at first, but now I know the systems too well.  Long past are the days when I would learn something new every lesson I taught.  Teaching maths did at first, as I had to rapidly revise and catch up my mathematical knowledge, and I still treasure the sessions I have with one GCSE student who's aiming for A* and is constantly stretching me to keep up with her.  But now I know things too well, and they no longer provide any real challenge.

But I don't know what else to do.  It's like a drug, that intense concentration.  I feel it so little these days.  Gone are the days when I'd regularly absorb myself in a book.  I've run out of maths and computer courses, unless I find another one.  And work, while enjoyable, is no longer the challenge it used to be.

I have a very poor concentration span, and maybe I've reached the end and need to try something else.  Maybe, just maybe, my writing will give me what I need, but I don't know.  Right now I've lost my inspiration, and far from being the spur to writing that I hoped this new course would be, I find myself doing the absolute bare minimum.  Confidence in it isn't helped by my tutor claiming I'd missed an apostrophe in my first assignment, while I know darn well she just couldn't have read the sentence properly.

So anyone got any ideas?  Go for writing?  Go for a maths course?  (I'm toying with the idea of doing a statistics course, since on one level at least I find the subject fascinating).  Find something else entirely?  (what?)  Give up on the idea of finding that level of challenge ever again?

Saturday morning I got up ridiculously early and drove to Heathrow, to a hotel where I would get the opportunity to meet the actor who brings to life my favourite character.  I put it that way because really I wasn't going to meet the actor, it's the character himself I'm interested in :-)

He was there with his sister, who plays his sister in the show as well, for a one-day Meet the Hewletts event.

The drive was uneventful and I pulled in for a MacDonalds breakfast before managing to find a parking place and join the queue.  This was the point where I realised my big mistake: two hours standing in a queue, and no book to read.  It was torture, although there were plenty of fans around.  I talked to the person next to me in the queue for a bit, but was mostly entertained by the group in front of me, because one of them had managed to leave her autograph book on the bus, or in a bus station, and was first of all trying to locate it, then trying to figure out who she could get to drive to the station, collect the book and then deliver it to her at the hotel in time for autographs.  I think she succeeded in the end!

After around two and a half hours we were finally allowed in, and people then started joining another queue to book up for photo sessions, but the last thing I want to spend a fortune on is a photo of myself, even if it does have a celebrity in it too, so I grabbed a good seat in the hall instead.  Luckily they put songvids up on the screen, which kept me entertained for a while, then they showed the first episode of the new season, which was an unexpected bonus since it hasn't been shown on TV yet!  At this point I felt almost sorry for those people who were called away to have their photos taken.

I didn't dare go far for lunch, for fear of losing my seat, so I grabbed crisps and chocolate out of the vending machine.  Then it was sitting waiting.

Eventually the moment arrived: because I hadn't been part of the photoshoot, or even out where they were taken, it was the first time I'd seen David Hewlett and his sister in the flesh, and there was one moment when they both came on stage that felt really weird, where my brain was saying they shouldn't be in the flesh, they're only on TV.  But it soon settled down, and there was the strange effect of the voice and face of my favourite character behaving nothing like him.

David and his sister were both charming and seemed completely at ease with each other and the audience, and very entertaining.  At one point David said "Have you all just paid to come and hear us squabble?" to which we all agreed yes, we had.

What seemed great to me was that David confessed he's always teasing other people, but he was also totally at ease with being teased himself.

Subjects ranged from babies to weddings (he'd just got married the week before) to the TV programme, with often several conversations in the air at once as he jumped from one subject to another, and several times they started a conversation with each other, then decided "we'll talk about that later" and turning back to us. 

It seemed far too short a time, and soon they were disappearing again.  They showed the new episode again for those who'd missed it earlier, and then chucked us out of the building and started the queue for autographs.  These were in ticket order, and because my bank messed up the payment and I had to rebook I was down the line at 231 (maximum 300, around 275 sold).  I optimistically said I might be able to leave at around 4, since autographs were 3-5, but in fact it was 5.50 before I finally got my chance.  I saw Kate first, she was very nice and greeted me by name, since there was a piece of paper with it stuck to the photo so she could spell it!  I said her arm must be aching, and she laughed and said it wasn't too bad.

Then I queued for David's autograph.  He seemed to be having fun, even though he'd been sitting there signing stuff for nearly three hours by then.  He looked at the photo I had for signing, and apologised that he looked so grumpy in it.  I said "it's not you anyway, it's Rodney", and he laughed and said that's what he kept telling everyone.  Then he signed the picture Sorry so grumpy. Love David Hewlett.

There weren't many people behind me, so I hope he managed to get away fairly soon after that, talking about being whisked back to his luxury hotel to be reunited with his wife.  And I returned home in time to stop the kids watching the end of Doctor Who, as I made them watch it again from the beginning so I could see it.

It's not fair!  First of all I spent ages fiddling round with mike and headphones trying to get Teamspeak working - it's a program that enables you to chat others via headset while playing the game, and is almost essential for serious teamwork - then made contact with another player, only to hear that the others who were due to make this run with us were stuck in traffic and unable to play, so we were going to have to postpone it.

Then I tried getting into WoW anyway, to do some solo play, and the authentication servers are down, which means that youngest, who must have started playing before they went down, is perfectly happy in a group run, while eldest and I are cut off because we can't log in.

I posted on the guild forum, managed to contact the other guy via teamspeak again after a reboot and panic that it's incompatible programs (and remembering to plug the mike back in!), and checked the forum again to find that others have the same problem.  As for the official wow forums, after an initial message on the realm status page saying the login servers were down, now the whole website, forums and all, is unavailable - I have visions of frustrated warriors, hunters, priests and warlocks clogging up the server trying to find why they can't play.

First off, I found a brilliant bunch of people this afternoon, who were all in the same guild and ready to help out at a cry for help, and they took me into the dungeon I needed to go in to get my epic mount, so I now have a really cool fast mount :-)

Then my application to join a guild (not theirs, but a different one) paid off today, and I'm now in a proper guild, and should meet lots of new people online.

Having spent months thinking I was vastly outnumbered by all the young males on there, I think I've discovered a previously untapped seam of mature players, including bored housewives ;-)  At least, the level 70 male warrior I played with this afternoon was moaning about housework.

So I can sit and watch Heroes in peace tonight, unbothered by thoughts of having to stay up late pathetically pleading for someone to come and help me get my mount.  And I'm determined to repay the favour to other people when I get the chance :-)

You remember my mother moved care homes because she was unhappy at her old one, and then the new owners ran it into the ground, sacking staff and not buying sufficient food for residents, and losing the books, and being investigated by police, until social services shut the place down and moved all the residents elsewhere on emergency placement?

Well, on the news yesterday morning, we heard her old road was shut due to a large fire.  I only thought "Wouldn't it be funny if...", but it's the front page of the local paper this morning - former care home gutted, arson attack!

I wonder if it was an insurance job.  The place was empty, and no-one was hurt, but the building is gutted, and the home adjoined to it not safe to enter.  It looks like it was a massive fire.

Scarey, huh?

Edited to add: read the story here.

I went out for a run this morning, finally using my GPS watch properly as a training partner.  I set myself a goal of 5K in 45 minutes (after an abortive attempt at setting it for 45 hours!) and failed my goal by 56 seconds, which I blame totally on the dog as I didn't stop the timer while he had a crap.

I did stop the timer on later occasions, though, to stop for a breather, so my first target is to complete the set time and distance without stopping for a rest at any time during the run (walking is okay at this stage, but not just standing still gasping for breath for a few minutes!).

My Race for Life is coming up next month, so I need to get in serious training.  My sponsorship page is still looking distressingly blank, so I need to start collecting sponsorship too.  Just in case anyone fancies giving money to Cancer Research, my page is here. 

I was supposed to be aiming for 10k by the end of this year, but I'll see how the 5k goes first.  I really need to focus on getting fit and ready for such events.

Earlier in the year, both elder boys got a day out of their choice.  Now it's youngest's turn, and he wants to go ten-pin bowling.  He's been before, and so has middle son, but I have only been once, about twenty years ago, and I have no idea what happens.

Do we book a lane between us?  I assume we hire balls?  Have I heard something about needing to hire shoes as well?  How long is a game likely to last, and is it okay for five people to use the same lane?

Please, someone who knows what they're talking about, let me know the routine on this, because I hate youngest missing out on his treat, but I don't like doing anything where I don't know the routine.

I have a writing assignment due in today, and I'm really struggling with it, not only with the assignment itself but also the motivation to work on it in the first place.

Maybe I've just been studying too long.  Maybe I'm just no good as a writer.  Maybe I'm just too darn lazy.

I have to write 500 words about an event on a busy street, from the POV of a child.  That's okay, that's done.

I have to write 500 words as a description of a character, illustrating a mood.  I have no idea.  I can probably make a character up, but how to illustrate the mood without making it an exaggeration I don't know.  I should have started much earlier, of course, but I've done my usual tactic of leaving it until the very last minute so that any bad marks I get can be attributed to the fact I did it in a hurry.

I have to write 500 words about an event I've heard about on the radio.  I've done a first draft or two, but now I'm having second thoughts about whether my event is suitable.  You know what?  I'm just going to stick to it, and if it's not suitable too darn bad.

So that really only leaves me with the description.  I hate description.  One of the best things about the fanfiction that I usually write is that you don't need much description, as everyone already knows the characters and settings.  Of course, that probably makes me lazy as a writer, and I should be putting it in anyway.

Any attempt to do this writing and use what I've been reading about is having a really positive effect on the quality of my writing, and is good discipline, which is what I need, but it feels kind of like me being dragged kicking and screaming into a classroom, sat down in a chair and told to "Get on with it!"  I'm really not sure any more why I'm doing it.  It's not for the pleasure of writing, that's for sure.

All encouragement and suggestions gratefully welcomed.

I figured it was about time I showed some of these drawings I've been doing, so I've put them on flickr, and will try to link to them from here, although I've never had much success in putting in photos from flickr other than when blogging from there.

The first session I did was dominated by Hugh's left ear.  Okay, technically, it was his right ear, but because it was always on the left of the picture, I keep thinking of it as his left ear, okay?  We did a series of drawings with pencil plus one coloured pencil (other pictures on flickr, but not linked from here).

The second session featured Stella's gorgeous leather coat.  We worked in charcoal and chalk, and I loved using the two to try to create the texture and light on her coat.  Oh, okay, we had to draw her face as well ;-)  Again, there's another picture on flickr that I didn't link to - mainly because it didn't include her coat :-)

This week I found myself focusing on Sharon's bottom.  For some reason, one part of the picture tends to capture my imagination, and in this case it was being told to feel for the roundness of Sharon's bottom, and then sitting there stroking her bottom (with a pencil and then paintbrush respectively) that stuck in my brain.  This was watercolour, my second ever watercolour painting.  I said I had the paints, I didn't say I could use them!  It didn't turn out too badly, even though I was sat next to the brilliant member of the class, who always puts me to shame.  This time we just produced the one painting each during the whole 2 hour plus break session.

One more week to go, and for that one we'll be using pastels.  Should be fun.  I think I've also managed to juggle things so I can do the full portrait course next year - I'll have plenty of other work either booked or by advertising, so that I can afford to give up the chance of one morning's work for a bit of leisure time, and besides, I might end up with work on the day I'd originally kept free for art classes instead.

There's a petition at www.notoagebanding.org which explains the situation better than I can, but basically it sounds as though someone has decided it would be a good idea to start putting age recommendations on the front cover of books, supposedly to help people choose whether they're suitable or not.

I think it's a stupid idea, and will put people off.  Nothing stunts a reader quicker than someone telling them what they can and can't read.

 

The tutor carefully arranges the model, posing her on a seat, against the wall, arranging her leather coat to best advantage.  We are given paper, charcoal and chalk.  I make tentative marks on the paper, constantly checking measurements and angles.  When I am happy, I firm the lines.  Music is playing gently in the background, a gentle accompaniment to the soft strokes of charcoal on paper.  Chalk make a harsher sound; the movement of finger smudging paper the softest of all.

I stand back, checking to see what it looks like, then return to work. 

I love my drawing class.