Log in

Think I've burned my bridges now

For some time now my spare time has been taken up with a computer game, world of warcraft.  In this game, people can form guilds, which means they have their own guild chat channel, share resources from a guild bank and can earn guild achievements and work together on some of the harder content - including raids - that needs lots of people working together as a team.
For the past few years, I've been in the same guild.  I started as a newbie, and ended up as officer, which means I take a hand in organising stuff.  I'm not desperately good at playing, but I do enjoy working as a team, and as others wandered away or found interests elsewhere I've fought to keep our guild going.
During this time I've made friends with people.  Most of those friends were casual, and friendship stopped as they moved on.  One or two friends I thought of as a lot closer - we would contact each other outside the game, and we would sit chatting online as we played.    But now things have changed.  The guild master never had any real interest, and he handed leadership over to my friend, who is a much more hardcore player than I am.  Throughout the last year, with the new expansion pack, people have been playing together less and less, leaving me playing on my own for most of the time, which I hate. I've been sitting there asking if anyone wants to run content as a group, and mostly getting no response.  
Last night I told the GM - my friend - that I was miserable and that I was no longer getting what I want from the guild, which is people to chat to and play with (I've made this point before, over the past few months).  I got the response that I was being childish, that he was working hard trying to recruit and build the guild back up, and couldn't be bothered to run content in the evening.  And that I should be working on gear for my main character, instead of playing around with alts.  I'm happy to work on my main if I have company, but I don't like running content with strangers rather than people I know, and there's not much else to do with a top level character to gear up if you don't have people you know to play with.
I really don't expect to come back from this - you can't tell someone you're miserable because they won't play with you, and then expect them to change.  What I was trying to do was get the point across of why I feel the way I do.  I'm not going to log on expecting chat and company any more. I'm not going to expect things to change for me.  But I'm not going to play a way I don't want to play because that's the way he wants to do things.
So many times the guild has seemed to be about to die and I've worked my butt off to keep it going.  I've taken over when he's decided he didn't want to lead raids, I tried to get the first raid of the new content going, but he sat and watched and said it wouldn't work, rather than trying to help.  So to be told now that I'm childish and I'm not helping the guild and I'm not doing what I'm supposed to was the last straw.  
So I feel now that I've lost a couple of good friends - but for the past few months there's been little sign of that friendship anyway, and it's not for lack of trying on my part.  But having got to the point where I felt I'd lost it all before, only for things to revive, I'm relieved now that I know there'll be no going back.  Because that only revives the hurt all over again.
Sorry for waffling, I don't expect anyone to a) read all this b) understand it, but I needed to get things out of my head and down in words.


#4 tree


another image

#3 - target

This represents one of the characters in the novel I'm not writing - his name is Charlie, and all he can focus on is leaving school so that he can join the army like his father and grandfather and go out and kill the enemy in the Pious Wars.

His problem is that it's hard fighting a religious war when you don't actually believe the religion.

looking for inspiration

Kind of stuck at the moment.  Can't figure out what I want to write about - or can't care enough.  Really need to dig myself out of the hole - feel guilty about not completing nanowrimo - or I won't complete at this rate - but not guilty enough to actually write.

But even doing these journals - there's one about writing as well, at http://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/ - has got to be an improvement on no writing at all, and during the week I'll try finding more inspiration on the images front as well - either photography or through graphic art.

Overflowing with creativity?

Oh dear, I seem to be doing nanowwrimo, two lots of nablopomo and now I've fallen into nononono as well - here are my images so far - I don't think I'll allow myself to count the badge for nablopomo as a third image though ;)
#1 This is a pen that I drew for my other blog, using Serif Drawplus vector drawing sofware, simple shapes and gradient tints.

my painting from tonight's class
#2 This is the painting I did at tonight's art class - the first time I got my acrylics out in over two years.  In fact - must be nearly 3 years now!  Really must get more practice in.

Day 2

And I seem to be not only writing my novel, but also two different blogs.  Oh dear!  My other blog is at http://emmyleigh.wordpress.com/ and focuses more on my writing, while this one is more personal.

So nanowrimo +2xnablopomo = ?  nononono perhaps - although I'll have to do a little catching up at the weekend for that one, I fear.

Anything to distract me from the shortening days and lengthening nights, and the rapid approach of that which must not be named...

Going to be difficult tomorrow, as I'm attending a portrait class on Thursday nights - must dig out my paints before tomorrow! - but I'll still try to do at least the blogs and a few words, even if I don't manage the target wordcount for the day.  After all, there's the weekend following rapidly.

possible plot for nanowrimo

How far from reality does fantasy have to be? I'm thinking of an idea now that would be set in the world almost as we know it, but with a different religious history - for one thing I don't have time for loads of research to fit in with existing information, and for another it sidesteps the issue of playing with subjects people can be very touchy about.  I know it's never going to see the light of day anyway, but just wondered what the general feeling is about novels with an invented, changed history of the world in them.  Or would I have to go more fanciful and change present day as well?

Maybe with a different religious history the world would be different anyway? 

Oh hell, can anyone say can of worms?

Is it warmer and lighter yet?

Well, I heard from the school - I have forms to fill in, I need to contact them to sort out doing a police check - and I start work on Monday 19th.  I then immediately need the Wednesday off as I have another interview for PGCE - here's hoping it goes better than the last one.  At least this time I can say I'm gaining experience in a secondary school.

So from 19th onwards I'll be working three days a week, two evenings a week plus four hours tutoring.  More or less full time working!  One thing I'm pleased about is that since I start next week I'll have a chance to attend one last art class this week, and explain that I'm having to work instead.  I'll really miss that time just for me - I'll have to try to schedule some art time into my weekly schedule, but it's tough.  I work better when I have external pressure - leave me on my own and I'll sit around doing nothing constructive at all.  I'm looking forward to getting into a new routine.  Give me little to do and I do nothing - give me lots to do and I achieve a whole lot more.

I caved in and ordered Season 1-4 DVD set of House from Amazon.  While waiting for it to be delivered, I found that the library had 1-3, so I got season one out Friday night and have watched all the way through - helped by waking up yesterday feeling ill, so I did nothing but sit on the sofa watching House episodes all day.  Now I've watched all of season 1 and am onto repeats.  I hope my set arrives tomorrow so I can start on season 2.

I think I'm gradually learning from characters like House and McKay (from Stargate Atlantis) that even people who aren't very good socially can have good friends, and that it doesn't matter if you screw up sometimes.  I think learning to accept that I don't have to be perfect, that I can still be accepted anyway, is an important step.  I don't have to watch carefully all the time, to make sure I don't make any mistakes.  Everyone makes mistakes.  It's how you deal with them that counts.

It would just be nice to have more people around me in real life.  I haven't even really had much internet contact lately - I don't read BCUK any more, haven't been around on here a whole lot, and have hardly played WoW since I left the guild.  The guild leader never did get back to me, BTW. I'm not bothered any more - he's shown me what he's like as a leader.

I still like the game, and I'll still play it, but in a much more casual way, rather than the intensity of the summer.  And it's too cold to settle for too long in the study at the moment.  At least days are getting longer and it appears the really cold spell is over, at least for a while.

Busy studying maths - I'm going to have to work hard to schedule it in.  I want to do the summer school as well, that goes with the course I'm doing.  At least I should have the money to pay for it!

Random thoughts

I know it's cold in our house: the spread from the fridge butter is kept in a kitchen cupboard, and I still had to zap it in the microwave before I could make the kids' sandwiches. 

I wish I had more shirts to wear - I either have scruffy teeshirts or decent work stuff that's short sleeved and short bodied.  I can only infer from the lack of decent, warm clothes in the shops that everyone else in this country lives and/or works in nice warm buildings; all jumpers have these stupid v necks, and I hate that in the winter.  I can only just tolerate it in the summer.  And they're so thin!

I'm having my hair cut tomorrow.  It's finally driving me to distraction so much that the thought of staring at myself in a mirror for half an hour is better than the thought of going on with it like this.  Why do all hairdressers have so many mirrors?  Surely I'm not the only one who would prefer to look at something more interesting?

Still nothing more from the school.  It's a good job I never assume anything until it actually happens.  I'm glad DH was here when I took the call offering me the job.  If I don't hear anything else by next Monday I'll give them a call.  He did say it would take a couple of weeks to sort things out, but he also said someone would try to call me on the last day of term to sort out details ready to start.

I've discovered House M.D.  Brilliant series, wonderful character.  Hallmark showed all the season 4 episodes over the weekend, which got me hooked, and are now showing the whole series from the beginning.  A balance is needed now - I can order the DVDs off Amazon, or I can buy it one episode at a time from itunes.  One method gives me DVDs I can keep and watch anywhere I like; the other gives me computer files which take up no physical space in the house.  One method gives me access to all at a reasonable price, but at the cost of waiting a few days (and Amazon is being absolutely useless at the moment); the other costs a lot more, can only be watched on the computer or ipod but is almost instant.

Talking of Amazon, anyone else having problems?  We tried to order 4 books at the beginning of December.  One book was unobtainable from them at all, the rest all seemed to be only from Amazon's marketplace sellers.  Of those, one arrived a few days later, as we expected; one arrived about two days before Christmas, along with the rest of the order, and the last one was reported as now being dispatched sometime around the end of January.

We ordered other books that were reported dispatched Friday night by Royal Mail and still haven't arrived, but I guess that's down to the post office.  Still, extremely irritating, and we won't be using amazon at all for Christmas purchases next year.

No art class this week - I'm hoping I'll at least make next week's to let them know I'm having to withdraw (if all goes well with the job, of course).  The following week I have another interview for the PGCE.  At the moment I'm spending my time studying my maths course, for which the materials arrived at the beginning of last week.  Now DHL managed to deliver it pretty fast!

DIY Dentistry and other inventions

There's nothing so frustrating as knowing exactly what you want and not being able to find it.  This time last year I was searching the area for a jumper that was exactly what I wanted.  I ended up with a zip-up jacket, where the zip bulges out when I sit down, as I knew it would, but at least visually it was reasonably close to what I wanted.

This year I want books, and I want a computer/console game.  I know exactly what I want, but I don't know how to find it.  Maybe the collective brains on here have some suggestions:

I want to read a book where the main character is learning to cope with discovering special abilities, while living in the real world.  Does anyone remember the Tomorow People?  That sort of thing.  Heroes is too much, but that's the sort of thing too. 

I'm also interested in books where selective mutism is involved.  Don't know why, but it fascinates me - maybe because I feel pretty unlike communicating myself at times.

As to the computer/console game, I want a game where there's a distinct storyline to explore, things to discover, and it relies on brain work more than fancy fighting abilities.  Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis was a good example of this.  Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine was on the right track but involved much more fancy fighting and moves, rather than purely brainwork.  The Star Trek game I had once was pretty good except that I got stuck on one part and then by the time I found a strategy guide the game itself was lost and then no longer ran (this was in the days before easy access to the Net, believe it or not!).  I've a feeling the Tomb raider games are similar, in that they involve fancy moves, and I really don't fancy staring at a nubile female who will make me feel inadequate - give me a male avatar any day.

So does anyone have any suggestions? 

As to the title - it brings to me to the thought that maybe I'm going to end up writing these things myself, as I have such a clear idea of what I want.  It's also the title of a book DH got for Christmas, and I've decided I'm in a phase of using obscure titles for my entries.